This is the eight in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

8.  Does this person walk in accountability?  Does this person have a mentoring relationship with a pastor or other spiritual leader, someone they have given authority to speak into his/her life, to provide challenge and correction?   Can you speak into his/her life freely and can this person receive your input?  Is this person accountable with personal possessions, finances and their spiritual disciplines?  Do you feel any ongoing resistance when it comes to the discipline of accountability or submission to spiritual authority? (Hebrews 4:13)

Accountability says a lot about character and maturity.  It says that this person is not wanting to hide anything before God and man.  They are open to input and correction.  No one is perfect and each one of us need spiritual mothers and fathers to speak into our lives.  While receiving accountability,  is this person actively mentoring others?  Are they sowing into others what they themselves are receiving?  If we appreciate spiritual authority in our lives as a single person, we will appreciate it even more as a married person.  Who is loving you enough to speak the truth into your life, providing accountability and correction?

This is the seventh in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

7.  Is this person free to remain single?  To truly be free to marry one day, one must possess the true peace, contentment and freedom to remain single.  (I Timothy 6:6)  This does not mean that you have the gift of singleness, but that you embrace, enjoy and walk in contentment with your status as a single person until the day arrives when you say, “I do.”  Is this person pursuing marriage or pursuing maturity?  Mature persons, when married, tend to remain married and are better able to work through difficult issues.  Immature persons pursue marriage because they believe it will meet certain needs they have.  It is the mature person who can recognize the needs of others and it is the immature person who gets stuck on requiring, sometimes demanding, others to meet their needs.  Finally, is this person idolizing the concept of marriage, or is he/she willing to wait for God’s clear direction and choice of a life mate? (I Corinthians 7:1, 2, 25-27, 36, 37)

A fisherman friend of mine asked me one day, “How come Jesus says we are to be fishers of men when fishing is all about the deception and trickery of baiting an unsuspecting fish?”  I told him that fishing with bait was not deceptive, but attractive and luring.  The fish are drawn to your lure because they see it as meeting a need for food.  As believers we are to be attractive, a fragrance of the living God, so we draw in and engage those who are in need of spiritual food.  If you remain satisfied as a single in your relationship with Jesus, i.e., fulfilled, you will be attractive.

This is the sixth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

6. Does this person walk in freedom and pursue greater freedom in all areas of their life?  Or, spoken another way, is he/she pursuing freedom from: substance abuse, religious spirits, soul attachments from prior relationships, anger issues, a need to be in control, stress or excessive anxiety, pornography or sexual addictions, dependent or co-dependent relationships?  Healing is a life-long process; is this person pursuing healing in his/her spirit, soul and body? (Galatians 5:1)

Rarely do we hang out all of our dirty laundry for all to see, especially with the one we just might want to marry.  While “putting our best foot forward,” we are, at the same time, looking for genuine vulnerability as we practice humility.  There is truth about being completely honest in the estimation of ourselves.  If this person did not enjoy a healthy upbringing, are they seeking counsel and reading books on healing or are they blaming others and remaining stagnant in their emotional and spiritual health?  It would seem preferrable to be engaged with the one who knows they need healing and are pursuing that healing, verses the one who is in denial of their history and remains stunted in their personal growth.  My wife, Mary, married an incomplete person for sure, but I was a person on a mission with my God to be whole.  If I wasn’t individually pursuing wholeness, our marriage would not be whole, for two were on the path of becoming one.  And after many years of providing marriage counseling, I have discovered that marriage problems are individual problems first.

This is the fifth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

5. Does this person challenge you to grow spiritually, emotionally and intellectually?  Does this person hold standards that you desire to reach?  Does he/she help you to recognize and pursue your potential?  Does he/she encourage you to strive for higher levels of knowledge and experience and to be a well-rounded individual?  Does this person inspire you to be a better person and follower of Christ?  (Colossians 1:28)  Do you receive the sense that this person is more interested in your well-being than their own? (Philippians 2:1-7)

Recently, I was reading a friend’s birthday card which said, “I’ve talked about myself enough…”  When you opened the card it then read, “How about you talk about me now.”  Selfishly funny wasn’t it?  Do you get anything close to that kind of feeling around this person?  Loving to talk about themselves, they listen to you only until they can find a place of interruption with something like, “That reminds me of when I…”  I don’t know about you, but I enjoy being around those who take a personal interest, those who really do want to hear how I am doing and those who are not looking at their watch when I am in the middle of sharing an important feeling or spiritual challenge.  I desire others who care enough to challenge me to raise it up a notch.  It says that they see a capacity for a greater potential in me.  This person loves me enough to care about my personal growth.  If we are not being challenged and consequently changed to become a better person by our closest relationships, then our relationships are most likely changing us for the negative.

This is the fourth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

4. What is this person’s life call or mission?  God has called each of us to specific life mission and He gives gifts to help complete this mission.  While this call can change and evolve, does this person understand his/her own personal mission?  We are each born with purpose, but when we are born again, I believe we find our passion.  What is this person’s passion in life and how does it match with your passion?  If God is calling two to become one, then He is recognizing similar life calls that will complement one another.

What do I mean?  I live in a farming community in Pennsylvania.  If a young man is desiring to be a farmer, then a young wife needs to not only understand that call, believe in that call as a business and ministry, but be willing to come alongside her husband and be a farmer as well.  She needs to be willing to embrace the smell and the flies in her kitchen.  If a young lady has a passion and is called to oversees missions, then a young man who she is desiring to become one with will need to share in that call.  It does not mean we lose our individuality, but are we agreeing to the mission and can that  mission become a co-mission?  Are the two compatible or similar enough to merge into one?  Adam and Eve were given a co-mission, to tend the garden.  (Genesis 2:8, 15, 18)  The Father will do the same for you.  Too many marriages today haven’t a clue as to why they are together.  Could it be that they have not discovered their mission together?

This is the third entry in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

3. Where is this person at with loving and accepting themselves?  Jesus told us that the greatest commandment was to love God and the second was to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  How does this person you are interested in love themself?  What do they reflect about how they see themself?  Does this person constantly compare himself or herself to others?  Does he or she perceive themselves as better or less than others?   We love ourselves by pursuing a relationship with our Creator, by caring for our spirit, soul and body, by pursuing wholeness in all areas of life and by pursuing maturity.  A sign of maturity is being able to identify the needs of others and then how to help meet those needs.  Is this person more concerned about their needs or your needs?

Do you get the idea  this person is trying to receive their esteem through you or another or through  their education or their job?  Romans 15:7 reminds us to accept one another just as God has accepted us.  You cannot complete another’s identity.  You cannot be their esteem or meet all their needs.  Listen to the words they use about themself.  Are they positive words or are they self-deprecating?  As we learn to accept ourselves, as God has accepted us,  we can become comfortable within our own skin and then stop trying to change others.  (John 8:12-14; Romans 12:3; II Corinthians 10:12,13)

While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

1. Does this person love God with all of his/her heart, mind and soul?  To put anyone or anything before God is idolatry.  Does this person act in such a manner that you know his/her first priority is to love and serve God over you, someone or something else?  Does this special person love God more than his/her own personal comfort?  Is Jesus his/her first love?  Does this person acknowledge a relationship with the Holy Spirit and how God’s Holy Spirit is working in them?  Is this person seeking God’s heart and will on a daily basis?  Are they doing their best to walk in the daily disciplines of the Christian faith? If not, they are seeking to please someone or something else.  Even if that “someone” or “something” else is you, it is out of line with Jesus’ words when He was asked what were the most important commands from His Father.  (See Matthew 22:36-38)  I find the more I love God and place Him first as Lord of my life, the more I love my wife and desire to care for her.  You see, it is an act of worship to my King to love my wife like He loves His church and cares for her.  (See Ephesians 5:25-28)  If I were to take these words in Ephesians literally, I am asked to give up my life for my wife, to make her holy, cleansing her, to present her to Him as a part of His radiant church.  I am asked to love her as I love and care for myself (what a radical difference that one move would make in marriages today).  But you see, I can’t do these things by my own strength or abilities.  By loving God first, He will give me such a steadfast love, appreciation, spirit of thankfulness and so much more for her.  It’s funny, if I put my job or myself first, all else suffers behind it.  If I put God first in my life, He works diligently and faithfully within me to see that all else is blessed.  But seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things (a life mate) will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:33