Postmarital, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #10

This is the tenth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

10. From whom does this person seek wisdom and wise counsel?  The last two posts were about accountability.  This post is about the practice of that accountability through seeking wise counsel.  Is he/she willing to admit to not knowing all the answers and to seek others who may have wise counsel?  Before making important decision, does this person seek input from trusted mentors?  (James 1:5; Proverbs 12:15)  Proverbs 12:15 says that our “way” seems right to us, …”but a wise man listens to advice.”  According to this Proverb, one would first need to humble themselves and seek advice and then be a ready listener.

It is not politically correct today to give or to seek godly advice.  One is to discover “truth” on their own for themselves.  To me, this really feels like one of the highest forms of pride as it is so self-seeking rather than God-seeking.  Have you noticed in this person a willingness to humble themselves and seek advice from the right sources?  It is one thing to ask our friends who will tell us what we desire to hear, but it is another to allow iron to sharpen iron and listen to the wise counsel of an elder, a pastoral counselor or a parent.  Arrogance is not a godly trait.  James tells us to ask God when we lack wisdom and God will provide the answers through His word or His messenger.

I remember as a young man seeking the advice of an elder who gave me input that I did not like or necessarily agree with.  I acted upon his advice in spite of my youthful arrogance only to discover years later it was absolutely correct.  It is humbling at first, but when we discover someone who is not willing to be politically correct and speak the difficult things into our lives, we will discover a world of wisdom that opens new doors for us.  And, if we remain teachable throughout our life, we will be a far better and wiser spouse, parent, friend, employee…

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Premarital, Singles, Training

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #9

This is the ninth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

9.  Does this person walk in accountability (continued)?  Does this person have a mentoring relationship with a pastor or other spiritual leader, someone they have given authority to speak into his/her life, to provide challenge and correction?  Is he/she mentoring others?  Is he/she committed to a local church fellowship?  Can you speak into his/her life freely and can this person receive your input?  Is this person accountable with personal possessions, finances and their spiritual disciplines?  Do you feel any ongoing resistance when it comes to the discipline of accountability or submission to spiritual authority? (Hebrews 4:13)

Humility is a sign of maturity and it takes humility to realize ones need of personal accountability and mentoring.  None of us know it all.  At this stage of life, spiritual mentoring through spiritual parents is invaluable.   Many years ago I had a spiritual father who met with me monthly, read what I was writing, asked me targeted questions and held my feet to the fire in loving God, God’s family and the family God gave me.  I knew the value of this relationship from my days of living single and needing mentors in my life.  To date, this life coaching has never stopped and I refuse to live without accountability in all I do.  There is tremendous safety in it.  It is partly why Mary and I celebrate 36 years of marriage tomorrow!  Commitment to a local church, an overseer/spiritual parent and personal accountability (through someone who is willing to ask us the hard questions), as we walk through life, keeps a spirit of resistance (to challenge and change) at bay and reinforces our walk with humility.

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Leadership, Small Groups, Training

Opinions Vs. Convictions

To all my friends who are leaders entertaining the many requests and opinions of others…a little life experience to you.

Have you ever gotten tired of the opinions of others concerning worship,  your messages, small groups,  the elders,  the chair set up and your son’s latest tattoo?  How come everyone has given themselves the job of making sure you are aware of what it is they like and do not like at your local church?  Everyone has an opinion about their brother or sister and how they make decisions for themselves.  Everyone likes to have your ear when it comes to their personal thoughts and direction for you, the elders and the church.  How do we wade through it all?  Who is right and who is wrong?  Do we just close ourselves off and not listen or become numb to it all?

 Jesus was at a Feast one day as recorded in John chapter 7.  He sent  his disciples ahead and then traveled there in secret.  People were talking about Him at the Feast and He began to teach them.  He said something that really stood out to me the other day in my devotional time.  In verse 16 He revealed that His teaching was from the Father, it was not His own.  He then said if we choose to do God’s will, we will find out if His teaching is from God (conviction) or simply from Himself (opinion).  And then verse 18…”He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself (opinion), but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him (conviction).”  It hit me that He was addressing opinions versus convictions. 

 What do I mean?  An opinion according to this verse is to preserve one’s own thoughts and ideas, to gain honor for oneself.  It is made up of this worlds wisdom.  It is spoken at times to protect the one sharing the opinion.  A conviction, however, is spoken to protect the integrity of another; to honor what another has spoken as truth.  An opinion can be offered in true humility and be very helpful, but a conviction is spoken from the spirit because of a greater truth one feels compelled to uphold.  I would not die for my opinions, but I would for my convictions deeply rooted in my faith.

 May the Author of the Holy Scriptures reveal His truth to you today, as well as, His insight and discernment to determine the difference in the many opinions that come your way versus the spoken convictions of truth.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #8

This is the eight in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

8.  Does this person walk in accountability?  Does this person have a mentoring relationship with a pastor or other spiritual leader, someone they have given authority to speak into his/her life, to provide challenge and correction?   Can you speak into his/her life freely and can this person receive your input?  Is this person accountable with personal possessions, finances and their spiritual disciplines?  Do you feel any ongoing resistance when it comes to the discipline of accountability or submission to spiritual authority? (Hebrews 4:13)

Accountability says a lot about character and maturity.  It says that this person is not wanting to hide anything before God and man.  They are open to input and correction.  No one is perfect and each one of us need spiritual mothers and fathers to speak into our lives.  While receiving accountability,  is this person actively mentoring others?  Are they sowing into others what they themselves are receiving?  If we appreciate spiritual authority in our lives as a single person, we will appreciate it even more as a married person.  Who is loving you enough to speak the truth into your life, providing accountability and correction?

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #7

This is the seventh in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

7.  Is this person free to remain single?  To truly be free to marry one day, one must possess the true peace, contentment and freedom to remain single.  (I Timothy 6:6)  This does not mean that you have the gift of singleness, but that you embrace, enjoy and walk in contentment with your status as a single person until the day arrives when you say, “I do.”  Is this person pursuing marriage or pursuing maturity?  Mature persons, when married, tend to remain married and are better able to work through difficult issues.  Immature persons pursue marriage because they believe it will meet certain needs they have.  It is the mature person who can recognize the needs of others and it is the immature person who gets stuck on requiring, sometimes demanding, others to meet their needs.  Finally, is this person idolizing the concept of marriage, or is he/she willing to wait for God’s clear direction and choice of a life mate? (I Corinthians 7:1, 2, 25-27, 36, 37)

A fisherman friend of mine asked me one day, “How come Jesus says we are to be fishers of men when fishing is all about the deception and trickery of baiting an unsuspecting fish?”  I told him that fishing with bait was not deceptive, but attractive and luring.  The fish are drawn to your lure because they see it as meeting a need for food.  As believers we are to be attractive, a fragrance of the living God, so we draw in and engage those who are in need of spiritual food.  If you remain satisfied as a single in your relationship with Jesus, i.e., fulfilled, you will be attractive.

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Leadership

Haiti 2011

I am going to digress from my usual finding a life mate blog this week to let you in on the sights and sounds of my recent Haiti trip.  I hope you enjoy it.

The stupid rooster starts crowing long before daylight.  We awake, we talk, we pray, we shower, enjoy a quick breakfast and experience a genuine Haitian water baptism service and it’s only 6:45 AM once all this is completed.

Haiti begins to move about, starting fires with charcoal for breakfast or hot water; people shuffling around here and there with some place to go, but most have no employment.  Where are they going; what are they doing?  Some are headed to Prayer Mountain while others are foraging for some form of food.  The fortunate children, those with sponsors, are headed to that much coveted place called school.

Overcrowded buses and “tap taps” with bodies and bananas hanging all over the sides are headed down the highway at speeds too scary to guess at.  Most are headed to a market or to Port Au Prince.  The market hucksters are selling rice, beans, bananas, vegetables, dresses and jeans, sunglasses and cell phone paraphernalia.  Car horns are constantly blowing.  It doesn’t take long to discover that it’s the most important part of the car. 

It’s hot.  It’s dusty and in most buildings in the village, it’s dark due to no electricity.  It takes an effort to push through a day sweating in discomfort.  There is no A/C and no fans to push the air around.  Still leaders gather from numerous churches.  They long to hear, to be taught God’s word and leadership principles.  These leaders are very auditory and visual.  If they hear and if they see demonstration, they will usually connect to your point.

We teach our hearts out.  It’s similar to the material we taught the year before and the year before that.  We are asking God for “community transformation” through the value of work and entrepreneurial thinking.  Is it connecting?  Are they catching the words about honesty, high moral character and integrity?  They have not seen these things modeled in their country.  How do we know if the training is effective or the translation correct?  How much information do they actually understand?  Why do only a few young people take notes?  Can they read and write?

This latest trip to Montrouis, Haiti, an hour north of Port Au Prince, convinced me that some are beginning to catch a few things we have been teaching.  This trip encouraged me when they expressed gratefulness that we came to Haiti to see them when they cannot pay us or reimburse payment for our flights.  I was encouraged by the crudely made “Certificate of Recognition” handed to us the night before we left.  That certificate reads in part, “This certifies that this pastor Steve Prokopchak has done a lot of effort to bring…godly life…value…that these children can live in unity…for services rendered during the years that we had benefited from these trips.”  It was all the recognition one needs along with their beautiful smiles across that always youthful looking ebony skin.

Haiti is a difficult place for a North American…well, this North American.  But, just before departing, one of the Haitian DOVE pastors came to us and said, “I am starting to get this…either we change our community or our community will change us.”  I was now convinced that they were, in fact “getting it.”  I look forward to returning to see the change.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #6

This is the sixth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

6. Does this person walk in freedom and pursue greater freedom in all areas of their life?  Or, spoken another way, is he/she pursuing freedom from: substance abuse, religious spirits, soul attachments from prior relationships, anger issues, a need to be in control, stress or excessive anxiety, pornography or sexual addictions, dependent or co-dependent relationships?  Healing is a life-long process; is this person pursuing healing in his/her spirit, soul and body? (Galatians 5:1)

Rarely do we hang out all of our dirty laundry for all to see, especially with the one we just might want to marry.  While “putting our best foot forward,” we are, at the same time, looking for genuine vulnerability as we practice humility.  There is truth about being completely honest in the estimation of ourselves.  If this person did not enjoy a healthy upbringing, are they seeking counsel and reading books on healing or are they blaming others and remaining stagnant in their emotional and spiritual health?  It would seem preferrable to be engaged with the one who knows they need healing and are pursuing that healing, verses the one who is in denial of their history and remains stunted in their personal growth.  My wife, Mary, married an incomplete person for sure, but I was a person on a mission with my God to be whole.  If I wasn’t individually pursuing wholeness, our marriage would not be whole, for two were on the path of becoming one.  And after many years of providing marriage counseling, I have discovered that marriage problems are individual problems first.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #5

This is the fifth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

5. Does this person challenge you to grow spiritually, emotionally and intellectually?  Does this person hold standards that you desire to reach?  Does he/she help you to recognize and pursue your potential?  Does he/she encourage you to strive for higher levels of knowledge and experience and to be a well-rounded individual?  Does this person inspire you to be a better person and follower of Christ?  (Colossians 1:28)  Do you receive the sense that this person is more interested in your well-being than their own? (Philippians 2:1-7)

Recently, I was reading a friend’s birthday card which said, “I’ve talked about myself enough…”  When you opened the card it then read, “How about you talk about me now.”  Selfishly funny wasn’t it?  Do you get anything close to that kind of feeling around this person?  Loving to talk about themselves, they listen to you only until they can find a place of interruption with something like, “That reminds me of when I…”  I don’t know about you, but I enjoy being around those who take a personal interest, those who really do want to hear how I am doing and those who are not looking at their watch when I am in the middle of sharing an important feeling or spiritual challenge.  I desire others who care enough to challenge me to raise it up a notch.  It says that they see a capacity for a greater potential in me.  This person loves me enough to care about my personal growth.  If we are not being challenged and consequently changed to become a better person by our closest relationships, then our relationships are most likely changing us for the negative.

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #4

This is the fourth in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

4. What is this person’s life call or mission?  God has called each of us to specific life mission and He gives gifts to help complete this mission.  While this call can change and evolve, does this person understand his/her own personal mission?  We are each born with purpose, but when we are born again, I believe we find our passion.  What is this person’s passion in life and how does it match with your passion?  If God is calling two to become one, then He is recognizing similar life calls that will complement one another.

What do I mean?  I live in a farming community in Pennsylvania.  If a young man is desiring to be a farmer, then a young wife needs to not only understand that call, believe in that call as a business and ministry, but be willing to come alongside her husband and be a farmer as well.  She needs to be willing to embrace the smell and the flies in her kitchen.  If a young lady has a passion and is called to oversees missions, then a young man who she is desiring to become one with will need to share in that call.  It does not mean we lose our individuality, but are we agreeing to the mission and can that  mission become a co-mission?  Are the two compatible or similar enough to merge into one?  Adam and Eve were given a co-mission, to tend the garden.  (Genesis 2:8, 15, 18)  The Father will do the same for you.  Too many marriages today haven’t a clue as to why they are together.  Could it be that they have not discovered their mission together?

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Marriage, Premarital, Singles

Finding a Life Mate: The Character Traits Worth Looking For #3

This is the third entry in a series of what traits to look for in a life mate.  While the following sets a high standard, one that perhaps few will initially reach, each area identified is an important character trait to look for and inquire about as you consider a lifelong marriage partner.

3. Where is this person at with loving and accepting themselves?  Jesus told us that the greatest commandment was to love God and the second was to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  How does this person you are interested in love themself?  What do they reflect about how they see themself?  Does this person constantly compare himself or herself to others?  Does he or she perceive themselves as better or less than others?   We love ourselves by pursuing a relationship with our Creator, by caring for our spirit, soul and body, by pursuing wholeness in all areas of life and by pursuing maturity.  A sign of maturity is being able to identify the needs of others and then how to help meet those needs.  Is this person more concerned about their needs or your needs?

Do you get the idea  this person is trying to receive their esteem through you or another or through  their education or their job?  Romans 15:7 reminds us to accept one another just as God has accepted us.  You cannot complete another’s identity.  You cannot be their esteem or meet all their needs.  Listen to the words they use about themself.  Are they positive words or are they self-deprecating?  As we learn to accept ourselves, as God has accepted us,  we can become comfortable within our own skin and then stop trying to change others.  (John 8:12-14; Romans 12:3; II Corinthians 10:12,13)

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